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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Declaration of Redependence

To whom it may concern, or Her Royal Majesty, The Queen, I suppose:

As you may have noticed, if you paid attention to our American politics in the past few decades, there is a dire situation currently afoot in our "free" political landscape. I don't know if you guys have a word for that in England, but we like to say, "Shit is fucked up."

I know we've had our differences in the past, and there is now an established history of our nations as two separate entities with different cultures and personalities and traditions, but I believe that when I've made my case, everyone will agree that it's time the American Colonies were reincorporated into the United Kingdom, to prevent their total destruction at the hands of the politicians currently attempting to rule them. Perhaps we don't have to kill those people, and can just send them all to Florida and set them adrift, or Sarah Palin's house to watch for Russians, or something like that...

If you remember, our original list of grievances had several key points, not the least of which was our disagreement with the policies of your then-King, George III. On this first point, you've already done a great job appeasing us, as, not only have you had a pretty decent succession of mild-mannered, non-dickish kings since then, but you've done a pretty good job of neutering the actual political influence of their whole family to a point that we already just consider them rich celebrities over here, which, if I'm not mistaken, is all they are to you now as well. We can deal with this excuse for the arbitrary socio-economic heirarchy we choose to live in anyway. It's better than our plan of saying companies are people, too (more so than people).

Secondly, there's that whole row about taxation and representation. That's kind of my main point here; we're not very good at choosing our own representation, and they just took the taxes and spent them on horrible things we mostly disagreed with, so maybe this is something we should concede on, and you can just sort of figure it out for us, like you do for Scotland. They had the chance to get rid of you recently, and it seems they quite like you for what appear to be largely financial reasons. We'd like to be your other drunk, worthless, couch-crashing cousins. We make good whiskey, too, and we're easier to understand, because we talk loud.

Anyway, there's the whole life, liberty and happiness thing, but I feel like if we roll with the guys we've put in charge of our country now, none of those things are gonna be very realistic goals around here for very long. No, I think the best decision would be to let you run things. You've always been stereotypically level-headed and rational, and I hear your nannies are great at cleaning up messes. Please, just take over, fix things... maybe give us some of that socialized medicine and education you've got. We'll drive on the wrong side of the road and spell colour and aluminium funny or whatever else it is you need.

I mean, shit, you guys even managed to switch to the metric system OK, and you invented this stupid shit we're still using.

Sorry, I'm just really worn out by the incompetence I have to watch on the news every day. Just send some of those redcoated guys over, quick as you can, and I assure you a good 70% of our population will do whatever we can to help them depose the morons we put in power and establish some sort of order or plan for progress.

We just can't handle this shit any more.

The colonists great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren's foreign friends and the children of all those people in between and some slaves and a few natives and some Spaniards and French people I guess... (it's been a pretty confusing few hundred years, sexually speaking, you understand...)

PS, bring tea, we swear we won't dump it in the ocean this time, people in Boston are just dicks.

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